#JKSquared

You ever know you have to write something so you stare at the blinking cursor maybe hoping somehow with each repetitive flash inspiration will strike? I've never really operated that way. I generally write concepts in my head before ever crafting them to publish. This blog is no different. Though the exact contents aren't yet known the main subject I've contemplated for some time.

You see, on November 12th, 2016, two became one. I left behind the part of myself that arrogantly stared at the sun waiting for understanding even if it meant I'd go blind (Any Thrice fans out there?).

Before I was married I intended to try to articulate what that meant to me. What that chapter in my book of life looked like. What I thought.

Sometimes there are so many noises in my head it's hard to concentrate to identify or trace a feeling. I don't mean that in a psychologically concerning way. I mean that the world as we experience it produces noise. Stress at work. Physical health declining. Relationships. Friendships. Family. Life. Death. Chalk it all up to noise. And certain combinations of the aforementioned things can create a resounding crescendo in the mind making it tough to identify thoughts.

Translation if my rambling is proving to be confusing: I met the love of my life in early 2014 and had no idea her fingerprints would shape the mold of my heart forever. You probably know I spent most of that year trying to figure out our friendship. And now, over 2 years after mustering up the strength to share my feelings to her I have the honor of calling her my wife.

Let that sink in. Because it hasn't sunk in for me.

2016 has been a bit of a clusterfuck. And a bit of a blur.

I don't wish to cuss as it is not commonly accepted in academia. But the proper term escaped me.

2016 started with me being physically frustrated that I didn't have the motivation to find my groove in the gym. I was only a couple of months into a new job with a new commute that was forcing me to have early mornings and bedtimes. I didn't feel balanced but I was staying the course until the wedding.

By the end of April I had finally hit a groove at the gym and was starting to feel confident. I remember thinking to myself that I had regained my swagger, and if I stuck to the plan of dieting and exercise, I'd be in great shape for my November wedding.

That same week I was rear-ended in a car accident, causing a long lasting concussion along with bodily injuries that would dismantle my newfound optimism.

Frustration began to scream at me. I consider myself a bit of a "life coach", always trying to take a warrior mentality when faced with challenges. It's easy to want to quit and hide. Who, in a time of great adversity, really wants to push harder than they know possible to persevere?

I knew I would be okay with dedication and persistence. Also with support from Jennifer, who was a saint with her positivity and patience. There are times where I verbalized I wanted to quit, even though that didn't necessarily mean that I really would. She had none of it. She metaphorically slapped me with perspective, encouraged me, and challenged me to rise.

Come July I'd start a new challenge at a new job which would solve my early hour commuting problem.

Which brings me back to the blur. Because this year truly is more hazy than any other one I can recall. Maybe it's because I turned 32. Maybe it's the concussion. Maybe it's planning a wedding.

I didn't know what to expect on my wedding day. If you know me you can imagine I had an expectation. That maybe it'd be like steps to a dance routine. And that's fine. But you'd be wrong.

I woke up November 12th calm and collected. I was going to own the day. I was going to savor every goddamn moment. But certain things in life can and should not be planned.

To start with that morning there was a miscommunication between the Maid of Honor and Best Man. As I went to walk out of the elevator with two of my best friends; there stood Jennifer trying to get into the same elevator. I quickly walked the other way as we both freaked out. Our plan had been ruined...we'd technically seen each other on our wedding day (even if no eye contact was made).

Despite this obstacle, I rose above, because I'm a goddamn champion. Yet, somehow, between 2-3p, I fell apart. As I ate a late lunch I felt my senses starting to tingle. My nerves starting to be inconsistent.

You see, Jennifer bought us these adorable small books to write our vows in. I, as gifted as a writer I may be, NEVER write by hand. I feel my powers are limited to the keyboard. Writing by hand physically hurts. You know, carpal tunnel is a real thing. Plus, who uses paper and pen anymore?

Despite this, I mustered up the strength and accepted the personal challenge to write my vows by hand. I did so, ever so timely, the night before our wedding in my hotel room alone.

I handed the vow-book to my photographer, along with my other accessories for detail photography shots, and finished getting ready for the big day. Around an hour or so later, when it was time to leave the hotel for the venue, I couldn't find my vow-book. Yet, my usually sharp brain had NO recollection of handing this vow-book to the photographer.

I started to panic. My groomsmen tried to keep my calm. I had evacuated the hotel room I stayed in the previous night so I alarmed security to let me in so I could see where I left it. They came. I searched. I couldn't find it.

Outside as I waited for my friend to drive me to the venue, I saw a hotel custodian wheeling trash to the dumpster. Alas, surely this was my chance! My friends and I questioned him asking what floors of the hotel the trash belonged to. Yet, we decided it was a lost cause, I was to think on my feet.

At this point I had 3 options. 1) Wing my vows. 2) Use bullet points from what I remembered and go from there. 3) Try to rewrite them.

I arrived to the venue clearly affected by the weighing stress on my mind. Everyone kept and had mentioned how brilliant of a writer I was. That they all looked forward to my vows. Yet, somehow, as I heard this I resented it versus relishing in it. I typically thrived under pressure. That's why I'm successful at sales, but I didn't want to be disingenuous.

I desperately wanted to show emotion on this day. I needed Jennifer to know she was different. That she meant the world to me.

Due to the bride arriving a little late and the ceremony starting late, I had a chance to mingle with guests. This was a blessing and a curse. If you saw me and I looked frazzled, it was because I was. If you saw me and I didn't look frazzled, trust me I was. I was nervous as hell. This mattered.

When the ceremony finally started and Jennifer walked out from the curtain, I was done. Emotion immediately knocked me off my feet. I literally turned away in tears as soon as I saw her. I couldn't contain myself.

It wasn't her radiating beauty. Trust me she was stunning.

It wasn't because it was our wedding.

It wasn't because anyone told me to do it.

It wasn't because I thought about doing it.

It was because it was divine intervention.

As our story has always been. She came into my life for a reason and literally took my breath away.

I forgot to mention I ended up writing bullet points from what I remembered of my vows and going from there. As I started to read them to Jennifer I mentioned how I had lost my vows, and ironically enough the Maid of Honor stood up casually to say she had my vow-book. She handed it to me.

I froze. I thought about it for a second. I then said aloud "Are you kidding me?" And then I threw the vows. The moment had already been built. And honestly, I can't fully tell you what I said. But know that I plan to honor Jennifer for the rest of forever. As best as I can.

I don't always honor that. I wish to understand it better and show it more. But sometimes the stubbornness in my soul gets in the way. God, I wish that wouldn't happen.

But the moment isn't lost on me.

The day after our wedding day we went to Spain for 11 nights.

And honestly, that won't be the best vacation we ever take. There was so much build up to the moment that it felt like my soul was kind of exhausted going through the process. Not in a bad way. I'm just processing.

I don't and didn't want to take so long to do so. I want to tell Jennifer everyday how she took my hand and told me it would be okay. And how I believe her because I trust the process.

I have so much to learn. And I've never had such a powerful teacher.

We arrived back from our Spanish honeymoon both immediately getting sinus infections. I went to the ENT doctor and finally scheduled my sinus surgery, which I had one week ago.

Maybe the timing wasn't ideal. Having a Codeine Christmas certainly wasn't on the agenda. Speaking of which all of you that can breathe out of your nose I'm really jealous! But seriously, I did it to have a chance of a healthier 2017 + life.

Life. Man. It comes at you quick.

I just want to impart that if you're reading this and whether we talk or don't talk, I got you. I'm here. Reach out to me. Let's chat.

A lot of people are ranting about how 2016 was terrible due to several reasons; perhaps celebrity deaths or political happenings. We have to take care of our own too, and know that some years really are fucking terrible.

There goes my poor English again. But do you want to know the bright spot?

Tomorrow is another day. And next year is another year. I promise you, you have options. Even if it seems impossible. There is good in this world.

2016 I was able to call Jennifer Marie Dunton my wife. And wow, what a fantastic blessing this year was.

2017, let's boogie.

Peace, love, and a little sarcasm,

j.d.k.