One

One year ago right around this time my marriage had ended. As of this exact moment I've experienced every event/milestone of my divorce at least once. For full details on that process direct your attention here: #divorcedblog One. year. ago. 365 days. I don't believe it.

I remember everything. The pain. The suffocation. The confusion. The doubt. The hurt. I remember everything.

Submerged in a pool of unquantifiable depths wondering how the hell am I going to reach the surface to breathe again. Logic can only take you so far. And through the entire process, it has taken me far. That may appear to be a paradox but somehow it's quite fitting.

Since everything happened...I knew I would be okay. But to that same point, I still had to go on the journey to be okay. I referenced it in my divorced blog but having a firm intellectual grasp on the situation doesn't make it any easier when you know what has to be done. I'm not saying I am better or less equipped than someone else in a similar scenario. I'm simply stating that knowing you have to go through a healing process doesn't make the reopening of wounds and exploration of feelings during such a time any easier.

One. year. ago. 365 days. I really don't believe it.

To think that at this time on that night I had gathered the necessary belongings, drove to my parents house, and stared bewildered into the chaotic reality that was now my life...I don't believe it.

So much has changed. Part of me wants to bury these thoughts into a capsule to be shot into space for no one to ever witness. Maybe in some way that would make it easier. But if there's an elephant in the room, I'd prefer to address it.

Let's start with that. I don't feel there is any right way to get through a divorce / break-up / separation / death / whatever you want to call it. They say the 5 most stressful situations are: Death of a loved one, Divorce, Moving, Major Illness, and Job loss.

One minute life seemed to be headed toward a joyous path of a promising future in a brand new house and then suddenly I was getting divorced, my last living grandparent entered the hospital leading to his death and my job became suddenly unstable. I limped into 2014 full of hope, but then had to put down my cat of 16 years due to cancer and then I eventually moved and suffered a significant health setback. Let's call that 4/5 stressful events.

One year. 365 days. It seems so fast.

And if you're feeling bad stop right there. I can't lie to you. It was the most trying period of my life to date. I can throw every cliche out there at you. I've tried to make up quotes of my own to push myself forward.

My every fiber of my being truly believes there is purpose behind obstacle. And really no ones gives a shit about if or how you fall down. But how are you going to get back up? Will you get back up?

I never stopped believing in who I was. And I never made excuses for anything. There absolutely were times when I felt like giving up. And giving in. Through every period of weakness I focused on what makes me strong. I keep saying it but you have a choice in a storm. You can let the water soak you or you can fight for the light. Always be a victor, never be a victim.

It's easy through times of pure despair to RSVP to your own pity party. Whenever I felt I was doing this I tried to be cognizant with my family and friends because I didn't want to be weak. And there would be several difficult days where the love for my ex would start pouring out of me and I was unsure what to do. So I stared those horrifically sad moments in the face and challenged them.

I allowed myself my personal space to mourn. To grieve. I didn't run from it because I psychologically wanted to feel as miserable as possible if I felt it would move me forward. Yes I watched "Love Actually" and you are god damn right I felt weak. After all, I've always felt I'd be the guy with the sign:

And I've changed. And that's weird. But maybe it's necessary. It's super strange to realize that who you were is kind of dead. It would concern me because I know I have this hopeless romantic in me and there have been times when I felt I absolutely cannot access who that person was. But he's not gone forever. He's just on vacation.

I felt like my life was on timeout because I wasn't able to truly move forward with certain women. But it is all part of the process. Trust the process.

With having a full mental understanding on what I would have to go through to heal...I've focused on...healing. Life is much different now.

A year ago I lived in the mountains of suburbia in Santa Clarita in a condo with my wife and cat. I commuted 3-4 hours a day to Santa Monica working for a relatively unstable company. I had a grandfather whom I saw and talked to with regularity. This was part of my life. I also felt this great amount of stress and pressure to keep my wife happy. It was a challenge I wasn't sure I'd ever find the answer to.

Fast forward to today. I am divorced without the responsibility of caring for anyone or anything other than myself. I work for one of the best media companies in the US and commute 25 minutes on a horrible day off of one street. I live at the beach and am a 2-block exhausting 92-second walk from the ocean. I have an amazing family, expanding friend group and support system. My blood pressure is much lower.

I don't think I was this terribly depressed person when I was married. I just think I had to push myself beyond my limits for someone that could never reciprocate or fully understand me. And that's okay. It is an absolute blessing that this chapter was able to close without permanent harm. We never have to talk or see each other again.

Scars don't disappear but they do fade in the sun. If that means I have to sunbathe a lot then so be it. I've learned so much the past year and seen so much in the world around me. I just feel grateful that I have the second chance to live a better life. Piggybacking on the point above...I never felt that depressed.

What I've learned this year is I truly neglected myself in the past. I've caught myself smiling at literally nothing. There have been times sitting on the beach where I inhale the coolness of the ocean breeze and feel the joy formulating around my mouth. Something so simplistic resonated so profoundly within me.

I've noticed it with friends too. I try to provide joy to others and be as entertaining as I can. And laughing is just...healthy.

I wrote this a couple months back regarding love:

I absolutely believe it. Once your heart is ripped out and you're broken things change. I constantly liken it to being an abused animal.

All I truly need sometimes is to be held. But by touching someone or letting someone touch me, there is this fear that I will be hurt again. The trust isn't there. Just like an abused animal whom hesitates to be loved again.

I am aware of this...and I do my best to move past it. In recent times I've felt the weight of all the negative feelings of the past dissipate. Again, there is no magic formula. My advice for someone suffering through a loss is not to make excuses for things or hold on to something that isn't there. You can and will get past this if you surround yourself with productive activities and people.

I've known from the instant it happened that nothing was wrong with me. I took the situation as a teaching moment to find out things about my experience and myself that I can apply to my next relationship. I've also always known I don't need someone else to be happy so there is no rush to force anything.

I've felt close to people since the storm set in. I've felt shades of the light.

Am I 100% there? Who knows such things. All I can say is I'm damn proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. Beyond that, I'm thankful I fought internally to make sure I do what I always do...turn a negative into a positive. Staying on that victor flow since I don't speak quit.

2014 was all about healing. I don't put absolutes on things. But let's talk soon.

I have this vision in my head that is so precise. I know it's true. For some reason it is leaves being kicked up by a gust of wind on a chilly fall/winter day. And I'm holding hands with someone and we are laughing without a care in the world. Through this whirlwind of emotion I twirl her around and kiss her. In that moment we freeze and just are. Nothing matters.

I know that's out there.

One. year. ago. 365 days.

You should see me tomorrow.

Peace, love and a little sarcasm, j.d.k.