You see me

For as long I can remember, I've treasured quiet moments in nature to just think. I vividly recall being 19-years-old and driving around aimlessly in my car after getting out of a late night class. It was especially refreshing in the Fall/Winter months when I could crack the window and the wind had a chilly bite to it.

Finding a steep hill with views of the city was the preference. And I would just sit there. Watching my breath slowly escape my mouth to enter the nippy air and disappear into the sky. Deep inhale. Deep exhale. Reflection.

Before and after that, I always looked up toward the sky curiously. Whether night or day. I had this fascination since I was a boy. Was it peering into the unknown? I think that had a lot to do with it.

Right after my marriage ended I entered the darkest hour of my life. Dealing with that on top of my grandfather passing and the struggles with my job left me emotionally spent. I needed answers that I wasn't going to get. I stared at the shining sun and the mystical moon. I needed answers.

From that point I stared almost frantically into the eyes of women whenever we talked. This was really heightened when I was flirting. At first it was genuinely because I was maintaining eye contact. But it wasn't long until I started getting comments about it.

If I was engaging in conversation, I would do a half smile and just stare. Not in a creepy way. Reading the eyes of the lady to see what would happen. I remember early on I was out in public talking to one and she nervously looked away, saying she wanted to kiss me but not where we were. That struck me as interesting, because I was trying to listen to her and had no hidden agenda of doing anything else. It wasn't for sport. I wasn't playing games.

The more situations I entered the more I kept doing it. The intrigue grew. I wanted to feel something. I wanted the blues and greens in my eyes to light up like bolts of lighting striking across the darkened sky during a storm. I wanted to be moved.

This became an obsession of sorts as I talked with more women. I've never been driven by hooking up with as many members of the female population as I could. I couldn't handle anything serious after the divorce though, so I knew I was going to have a little detached fun.

I spoke with random girls at bars. I online dated a bit. I was introduced to girls in social settings with friends. I remember one telling me, "It's not fair when you stare like that. You give this look to hundreds of girls and they all fall for you."

Her quote wasn't accurate at all but I did find it interesting that something as simple as eye contact could drive the opposite sex wild.

As the pain of the past lessened and I knew I was in a much better place to move forward, the desired fire in my eyes was still absent. I want to clarify that this wasn't some psychotic mission where I would run around and stare creepily into every woman's eyes that I could find. I was curious if I could let myself feel vulnerable enough to let someone in.

But then a couple months ago...I did. Romantically that is.

Fact is, I slowly started letting her in when I met her last April. And this progressed to a place of trust as friends without the threat that I could end up hurt. But as the seasons changed I kept fighting an internal battle to convince myself that she couldn't possibly be anything more than a friend.

I lost that battle somewhere around November. As we've continued to grow closer and closer, the fear hasn't left. But I've never run from fear. But the more interesting thing is...in moments of silence where the increasing heartbeat bursts through and the breath of two becomes one, my eyes finally lit up. The vision was clear.

You see me.

In everything and everyone I was looking for. I wanted to be understood. I wanted to be accepted as me. No games. No front. The vulnerability as terrible as can be was simultaneously the necessary evil I was lacking.

As I continue to go down the path cautiously that's all that matters to me right now.

You see me. Thank you.

Peace, love and a little sarcasm, j.d.k.