#divorced
I've been writing this blog in my head for the past 7+ months and am not 100% how it will end up. It has been a very fluid concept and the intent has shifted based on the smorgasbord of emotions I have experienced. Let's start at the top and see what happens. Today would have marked my 2nd wedding anniversary. You probably noticed the title of this blog and think I may be making a mockery of my situation...but I assure you...nothing could be further from the truth. As it stands, I will be officially divorced in about a weeks time.
I am placing this window in my head for you to peer through because if there is a chance that a singular person appreciates it then I am fulfilled as a writer. I am not placing any blame or trying to rally support.
I was with my ex for just under 4.5 years and our marriage didn't even make it to a year and a half. As I sit here and reflect it really feels like I am talking about a movie I watched awhile ago.
There are moments. We so easily slip into the habit of running the rat race that our lives become regimented and routine. The end of a relationship, no matter what the cause, is commonly linked to death. What once was alive ceases to live. Pretty basic. Going back to the movie reference I mentioned above...certain things in the day-to-day will trigger a thought. Or emotion. Or feeling. In these moments it can be anything.
A scent instantly wafts down into the blocked off part of your heart and you're transformed back to whatever memory/feeling that is triggered. It takes over you as you pause in time and it is almost as if you are transformed into the past. But then it stops. Cause that ended. Like waking up from a dream. And it is as if ice is freezing your body over from head to toe...but just as your head is about to be covered and you become fully encapsulated in the ice it shatters and reverses. Then you shake the moment and continue on.
6.24.12 As I sit here and reflect moments are easily triggered from this day. It was only two years ago so it isn't very hard to forget. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. There isn't much I feel that is necessary to be said about the actual day itself so I will use this opportunity to comment about being married. To me, I was extremely proud to be a husband. It meant something.
Every time I wore my wedding ring, it was with pride. I decided recently that once the divorce was finalized I would fling the ring into the ocean. It stopped serving any purpose for me the day my marriage ended.
I wasn't sure how I would feel waking up today. When I got home from work I felt the growing desire to rid myself of the ring. I changed clothes and walked down to the water...feeling frantic and not wanting to speak to anyone. As I took off my sandals after reaching the sand, the ocean seemed impossibly far away. Each step I powered through felt like the sand was gripping my feet and not letting go. I pressed forward anyhow. My heartbeat increased as the finality of everything trickled about my brain. I pressed forward anyhow.
Wind was smacking my eyes from beneath my sunglasses. I pressed forward anyhow. Finally I found a stretch of beach that appeared relatively unoccupied. I recorded on video the ring in my hand for the last time, and winded back to toss it into the ocean. I am fairly certain I tossed it like a 12-year-old girl. I even felt a brief tendon strain in my arm. It was as if I was rendered powerless. I pressed forward anyhow.
Then I turned around and quickly made my way back home. I didn't try to see where the ring landed. If it washed ashore. I didn't look back. I pressed forward.
11.9.13 My grandpa entered the hospital Wednesday, November 6th. It was only a couple of weeks prior that my ex found her dream house and thought it was where we would spend the next 30 years. I remember feeling surprised that she wanted to stay in one house for so long. For me I looked at real estate as an investment as I felt it was good to contribute money monthly to a mortgage vs rent. But that far in the future was too far to plan. I knew I didn't want a smaller starter house, so I was on board with this plan.
When we started dating we were long distance and she was never excited about living in Los Angeles. When she moved down here she moved in with me and made it clear at that time that it wasn't her goal to live in Los Angeles forever. But she recognized that is where I was and the best chance to start our careers. The topic eventually dropped and I thought the understanding was if it made sense to move, we would discuss it, but our relationship wouldn't be in jeopardy if we stayed in Los Angeles. I say this because it was in the back of my head when she fell in love with this house in Santa Clarita.
The new house was a 2400 square foot house, with four bedrooms upstairs and an office downstairs. New construction and it wouldn't be ready until late February 2014 at the earliest. November 9th was set to be our signing day where I would put down a non-refundable deposit to reserve our specific house on the lot.
We visited my grandpa in the hospital that Friday night, the 8th. Something seemed off with my ex. I probed her wondering if she was just stressed about being able to make the finances work on the new house. I was ready to cancel moving forward with the new house but she said the next morning that it was okay to move forward. As we signed the papers she still seemed a bit off but I ignored it.
11.11.13 This was a Monday. On the way home from work I stopped by the store to grab flowers and a card. I wanted to show my appreciation and excitement for the new journey we were going on together. When I got home I walked inside feeling anxious to see her reaction and found her on the floor of the bathroom crying. I was confused so asked what was wrong...didn't really hear a response (that I can recall) so I placed the flowers and card next to her. I then returned to the living room to eat dinner. I don't remember how much time passed, but I know she came out and asked to talk. We were both seated on the couch. I think.
"I don't know if I want to be with you," she said.
There are moments. Moments that occur which cause your vision to blur and your brain is tossed in a blender and put on max speed. Everything you felt that mattered or anything you believed in are swallowed up by the blades and your emotions leak out of you.
I was stunned. Shocked. Confused. Hurt. I honestly wasn't even angry in that moment. I was so blind-sided that it didn't seem real.
After talking for a period of time (very calmly) it was decided that taking on the new house was too big of a challenge. That we would stay in my condo and go to therapy. I was never big on the idea of therapy because I was prideful that I could fix any problem. It was never a case of me not willing to work on things...I just thought I could handle it myself. At that point though, I thought outside perspective would help. I never thought anything was catastrophically wrong or our marriage was in danger though.
11.18.13 After breaking the news about questioning our future, she spent a couple days with a friend and said she'd be spending the weekend to visit her mom to clear her head. As a couple we never argued angrily. You've noticed couples in public or private where it's obvious there is resentment. That perhaps something is off. This wasn't us. Issues would come up in a cycle...we would calmly discuss...and then we'd work on fixing it. It was always communicated by her how lucky she felt to have me. And I felt the same about her.
I never realized how bad the communication was until later. But to me, that was something completely fixable. Before she headed up to visit her mom I apologized about how I had handled a big disagreement we had in September, thinking that would calm the storm. She wouldn't listen though, saying responding would cause arguing so she wanted to think.
She stayed with her friend once returning to town, and I was growing concerned that I was being shut out. The morning of 11.18, she said she would see me back at the condo that night to talk. I tried to rush through the work day, then get home as fast as humanly possible. When I cracked open the door, she was again sitting on the couch, with a blanket shielding her as she looked very concerned. It was a shattering silence.
I took my place at the end of the couch, hoping that she had only had a momentary freakout. As I recall it took about 8 seconds of conversation.
"I thought about it a lot the past few days. And I want a divorce. I'm done."
There are moments. Moments where everything unquestionable that you poured your soul into can turn out to be the most perplexing conundrum that exists. It was as if my heart was ripped out, shoved into my stomach, both were removed, and then burnt in front of me. I remember striking my fist against the coffee table. Not even in a super aggressive way. I couldn't believe that it was real life. I was like that drugged kid recorded by his father after the dentist.
I was asked to go stay with my parents for a couple days while she packed her stuff up and moved. Everything seemed so orchestrated. The worst feeling there is has to be helplessness. I remember going to my room to pack...and texting everyone that knew something was up "She's leaving me". I called my mom to make sure I could stay with her and my dad. I fought back tears as we talked. This was some kind of hurt I hadn't experienced. I posted an emotional cryptic status on Facebook that I later deleted because I was grasping at straws on how to cope.
Since I was an early teen, I was determined to be able to provide for myself and not rely on others to take care of me. I had accomplished a lot the past few years, not just in my relationship but also in my career. It was strange though. As I sat at the table at my parents house, I was morphed into a helpless boy that was questioning the world I had such a handle on. My father returned home from work and hugged me with great concern. My sister came over in disbelief. My mom tried to offer her support. My oldest sister called from Colorado.
That night I woke up thinking I had lost control of my respiratory functions and that my heart was going to dislodge from my chest. I couldn't sleep. I was broken.
A couple days later I returned to my condo to work from home. The condo was a mess when I bought it and had been rehabbed mainly by manual labor from my dad and I. To remember how crappy it looked upon purchase, to how beautified it looked when listing it for sale, to what I walked in on was like witnessing some bizarre deconstruction. Picture frames were all taken down. Boxes were packed everywhere. What was once a home was now a disjointed collection of a broken future. And I sat in it not being able to do anything.
All conversations with my ex after this point was all for naught. I read a couple books. I thought I cracked the code on where we went wrong with communication and how we could improve. I sought the advice of many. Whenever I tried to share a new idea with her it was met with a blank face in person or distant words in a text sent seemingly as a formality.
This song, "Say Something" by A Great Big World, couldn't have been more appropriate:
"And I am feeling so small It was over my head I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall I'm still learning to love Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you Anywhere I would've followed you Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride You're the one that I love And I'm saying goodbye"
It may seem like a short period of time but every advance I made was met with rejection. She had stated her intentions for the divorce when she broke the news. Being overwhelmed, I sought legal guidance as I wanted to protect myself but I still wasn't giving up. I called to make sure she wouldn't consider any other options. She wouldn't. I realize the irony as I just literally posted lyrics saying I was giving up. The point is, the feeling was building that I was being abandoned and there wasn't a single sign of things turning around.
She found a new apartment very shortly after. It was odd to live in the destruction. To have flashes, or moments, where it was so easy to remember scenes from the movie that was my life disappear in front of me. I had several conversations with anyone that was interested about how I knew what was happening was inevitable. How I knew I couldn't change it. How I knew I was entering an unquantifiable period of time where I'd be healing and there wasn't a god damn thing I could do about it.
To cognitively have a handle on that is challenging. I think I've always ticked a little bit differently than some people. I have a drive and passion that gets me to where I need to be. My best tool has to be my words. I feel there is something there that can't be taught. But I think knowing all this was challenging. Self-diagnosing yourself and being correct doesn't make it any easier. It was over and no matter how much I wanted it to change I didn't have a chance to fight. That will always be the hardest thing. She walked away without any discussion.
Kodaline, "All I want"
"All I want is nothing more To hear you knocking at my door 'Cause if I could see your face once more I could die a happy man I'm sure
When you said your last goodbye I died a little bit inside I lay in tears in bed all night Alone without you by my side
But If you loved me Why'd you leave me? Take my body Take my body All I want is, And all I need is To find somebody. I'll find somebody like you."
Grandpa Manny passing left a huge void in my heart
12.14.13 I woke up this morning spewing venom from the previous nights bad decisions. It was around 6am. I was notified that my grandpa was no longer with us. There comes a point where you really feel like everything is working against you. I blogged about it in my New Years post. But really, I was so numb by everything that I wondered why I felt I was being punished. I dropped to 158 pounds. I'm 6 feet by the way so if you're not great with visualizations that is not a healthy weight for someone that height.
I really felt like giving up. Yes. I pressed forward. But truly...I was like "Are you fucking kidding me? Really!?" I can't express how important this man was to me. I will say that he was so damn stubborn throughout time, I wasn't able to have a prolonged visit whenever I saw him. One thing I treasured about spending time with him in the hospital was that he couldn't kick me out or make me go home. I told him I was most likely getting divorced. In the past I would have held that from him to protect his concern. I'm really glad we were able to just talk about how it might be my reality instead of sugarcoating things. I'll never forget that.
The next day my ex came by my condo to collect the last of her things. I assumed this would be the last time I would see her. When she arrived she hugged me. This was the first sign of affection I had been shown since everything happened. I was confused. But I needed it. We held each other for a minute and I think we both cried. I loaded up all her stuff into her car. We sat in the parking alley staring up at the condo. Staring up at the sky. The silence had never spoken so many words.
It was likely our last goodbye. It was over. And there we were. I wasn't ready to let go. We talked for maybe 30 minutes or so...held each other. Cried. And then she drove off and I went to walk away, but she didn't leave. I went to her car and we sat for another hour or so. Talking about life. I thought maybe there was a chance. She'd see how rash she had left. When it was time for her to really go, she wouldn't drive off until I walked up the stairs back to my condo. But I refused to be the one to walk away.
Maybe it was symbolic. But I felt she was leaving me...so why should this time be any different. I wrote the following afterward:
"Your car was loaded and this was goodbye
I held you close as we cried outside
Hard to comprehend that this was our life
Hard to understand that this was goodbye
I didn’t want to walk away from you
Because then I knew you’d really be gone
I couldn’t help but to stay with you
But then I knew you would really be gone
As you entered your car to prepare to leave
I stopped on the stairs and couldn’t breathe
I prayed that you’d stop and get out of your car
I hoped that you’d say you took this too far
You stared at me before you could drive away
Opened the door to ask if I’d walk away
I sat down on those stairs and gripped the rail
I cried some more wondering how we could fail
But then your car reversed and you motioned goodbye
My tears danced and fell to my side
You headed down the deep driveway
You paused at the end but didn’t stay
I struggled to get up the stairs to my house
I collapsed inside then sunk on the couch
Visions of you still flashed in my head
How could we be better off alone instead?
I reached out at night for I was in pain
You confirmed it was hard but your decision was the same
I can’t keep fighting for what I have lost
But I won’t stop loving what I treasured the most"
1.13.14 I don't think we really talked the next couple of weeks. The divorce process started and the kind of paperwork you don't think you'll ever fill out started being processed. There was some communication sent my way around New Years, but I tried to ignore it. To me, unless the words came up "I think I'm making a mistake can we talk?" I didn't think there was a whole lot to say. We met up one time after work and talked for a couple hours. It was the most open and productive we had ever been. We agreed to go to and ended up doing one singular counseling session.
After it concluded, I think we both felt we had more progress when we met individually. This was the last time I saw her.
A couple weeks later, I produced this:
"From the beginning we clung to each other
And it always seemed like fate
Our stars were meant to collide
There could be no other way
We always worked toward tomorrow
No doubt that we’d be together
Became engaged and then tied the knot
Till death do us part; bonded forever
But just the next year It seemed you couldn’t wait
To flee toward your new tomorrow
Giving forever an expiration date
The days they continue to pass
Still not sure how we didn’t last
You say that you still have love but don’t know what to do
Now moving away so I stay confused
You keep occupying a large part of my brain
I try to stay distracted for it’s my only way to act sane
Reality shows that we are clearly apart
I’m a work in progress; piecing together a shattered heart
They say time is what I need to heal
I’m still not sure what to think or feel
Fighting the battle between the mind and the heart
Having to move ahead and push restart
I find serenity in the simplest things
But the sadness within sometimes bursts through the seams
I accept that I really have no control
But it’s really not your business anymore
Soon you’ll live far and fate will run its course
Part of me still screams for you to feel remorse
But the wound still bleeds from how you just left
No effort or discussion is what you felt was best
Part of me hopes you find yourself
I gave you my love and all my wealth
And really if for you that wasn’t enough
Then apparently I’m an invisible diamond in the rough
I sparkle bright and I smile wider
I’m hurt inside but I’m all the wiser
I don’t know what tomorrow holds
I love you forever but I’m letting go"
February was the last real communication we ever had. After talking on the phone, we exchanged a couple of emails where I stated how I felt about things. There was an iota of a second where I felt crazy enough to try to save things. She had moved to Northern California...but I talked with a couple of people about what I should do. I believed so strongly that what we had was the stuff fairy-tales were made of so of course I could make it work. My stubbornness was negatively effecting me again.
Rummy lived a great life with me from 1998-2014
3.31.14 My ex and grandpa were a huge constant in my life that had disappeared. It seemed only fitting that in my most challenging time my cat of the previous 16 years (Rummy) was diagnosed with the most aggressive kind of cancer and had to be put down. He, like myself, was a stubborn fella. I'm thankful that he stuck around through my darkest times, and aided me as I began healing. While this was certainly a difficult time, and I miss the hell out of him, I accepted that I didn't want him to suffer.
As time passed I focused on trying to heal. I tried not to look at the world through jaded eyes. I've always felt that there is something so powerful in my gaze as I look toward the sky. A kind of reflective challenge that I want to sky to speak back. I have done that more than ever during this time. There is never a true answer, except that I know my path is to give everything I have because things are set in stone that cannot be changed.
This period of 2014 is reflected by One Republic in their song "Can't stop" :
"I guess this is what it suppose to feel like We don’t talk we don’t talk we don’t talk anymore I guess this is what it supposed to sound like Universe universe universe is done
I know I can live without you I can live without you every day I know I can live without you And put life off for another day
But I can’t stop thinking about thinking about us anymore I can’t stop thinking about thinking about us anymore I can’t stop thinking about thinking about this anymore And all I've got is nothing I want anymore
No I never get used to silence But I don’t hear, no I don’t hear I don’t hear you anymore Now I have to look hard to find it Everything everything everything is done"
There comes a point where you have to throw out all signs of the past
That was a potentially long explanation on how we got to this point. It's important to note that I went through all the stages of grief. I felt all of the emotion. And you know what? I'm not mad.
If you're reading this, I forgive you. I feel blessed that if this wasn't supposed to work, that I have a chance at a fresh start during the prime of my life. I see a lot of marriages that fail much further down the line when there is so much invested (kids, higher mortgage, etc).
Yeah, it will always be weird to think about how I was treated when it ended. How it ended. I was walked out on without having a chance to do anything. I had to pay money because of the different stages of our careers that we are in. And I'm not bitter. I don't wish evil things for her. I hope she can find whatever makes her happy.
I don't worry about myself. Challenges push me. If I need to use this as motivation to put in more work...then I will. I am a prideful and stubborn individual. If you haven't grasped that already then hopefully it is starting to click. Yeah, there used to be super sad days where I was rendered useless and didn't think light existed. But then I stood up and decided to pursue the light. I pressed forward.
Our time on this earth is really short. I do regret actually getting married because it was deceptive in that clearly the other person didn't understand the commitment. The important thing for everyone to realize is it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you believe me. Or if you believe her. Or whatever. There is no rationality, there is only reality. It doesn't matter why she left...it could have been 1,000 different things. The only result is the end game which is: she left. She's gone. It's over.
So in hindsight, yeah, I really wish we discovered this before going through with the marriage. But life goes on. And I'm not bitter. As I mentioned earlier I was really proud of everything I accomplished in my relationship. But at the end of the day if that was one-sided it doesn't do me much could to harp on that forever, does it?
I don't know what the future holds. I know the value I bring to a relationship and the theory of being able to be married again and start a family I think is absolutely possible. The wonderful thing is there is no choice that has to be made today. That isn't something I want to do right now. I use the metaphor that if you ran a triathlon and broke both your legs...and afterward someone asked you if you wanted to run another one right then and there...what would you say? You'd probably snap your legs back into place and run the other way because of fear.
But I know what I'm capable of. I know I'm a solid human being. If that means I'll be enriched by sharing that with another person...perfect. If that means I should be alone...well that's okay too. As I said, the awesome thing is it doesn't matter. No life-altering decision has to be made.
I've met a ton of new people and gained many new friends during all of this. Whether we have talked briefly or time after time after time, thank you. I love you for you.
If I can leave you with one thing...you don't have to give up on love. There is good out there in this world. I've seen it by the fine example my parents have set. The fine example so many of you set. I could be jaded and caution you to run. That isn't the case. I may caution you to read the fine print but you don't ever have to force anything to be happy. You can't fix someone else. They can't fix you. The goal is to take two individuals and have them flourish together.
To tie a rope together and climb that mountain. You can't carry your partner the entire time and expect that to be fair. It just won't be right. Don't settle. Don't give up. Don't doubt the beauty of this earth.
Define your own happiness. Know that it's okay to feel angry. Sad. Devastated. Broken. Elated. Gleeful.
Just don't lose perspective.
Scars don't disappear. But you know what? They do fade in the sun. Pursue light my friends. I'm okay. You're okay. We'll all be okay.
Peace, love, and as always a little sarcasm, j.d.k.