The Present Past

It's been an interesting week consisting of trends of spontaneity and traces of déjà vu. To start with, Sunday was a free day with nothing on the docket. I slept until 9 a.m. which never happens and then watched some TV on the couch. Before I knew it noon rolled around and I figured it was time to go shopping. After grabbing a quick bite, my pace didn't increase much as I made some returns at the store and searched for some new clothes.

As I was checking out from my last store at 2:35 p.m., the thought dawned on me: "I wonder if X-Men is playing?" I quickly whipped out my phone and saw there was a showing 5 minutes later.

I wondered to myself..."A movie alone?". Screw it. I had boyish excitement.

I didn't worry about how chaotic and random my actions would be. If it would be sold-out. I didn't worry about anything, really. I grabbed a ticket at the kiosk and quickly found a seat. Then I thoroughly enjoyed the film.

I watched a movie alone at a theater only one time in my life. My sister and mom were watching some chick flick and I really wanted to see "Scary Movie". Since it was rated R I was denied access, so I ended up watching "Inspector Gadget". Thrilling, no?

Anyhow I discussed this with my buddy the other day. For work I travel alone all the time. I fly on planes alone. I eat at restaurants alone. To me, eating at a sit-down restaurant is more embarrassing because you have to tell the host "table for one", and sometimes that feels a bit funny. But a movie. It's simple. No one has to know anything.

It was pretty liberating. I'm usually such a stickler for being so regimented and having everything planned. I suppose in recent times I just let go. I don't over think things. I just go with it. Life is pretty short, so do with it what you want. Protect your happiness and don't be afraid to mix things up. You may just be surprised.

Aside from those feelings, writing right now feels like my past. I used to blog all the time. Well. Not all the time. But on social media sites I had some sort of regularity to it. Then things happened and I stopped.

I came home from work very hungry. So I cooked dinner first, and then made it to the gym. I haven't done that in probably 5 years. That felt very foreign. Very much like the past in the present.

I have an aura. It's like a switch in my mind where I feel like I can be extremely motivated and conquer anything. It's this switch that I feel fuels me. And enables me to do certain things that I do. I don't know how to explain it. I cannot teach it to anyone. It's how I tick.

I had a goal last summer to start a second novel and finish it by Christmas. I wanted to measure myself. A sequence of events happened that distracted me from that.

But I feel lighter now. I feel defiant. Not in a bad way. Like I feel the odds are against me that I could pump out another novel. That self-doubt.

This fuels me. It burns from within and I want to be encapsulated by it. Because then, and only then, will I rise.

The light switch is on. There are no self-imposed deadlines this time. I just want to get thoughts out.

Maybe it's a short story. Maybe it's a novel. Maybe it's this blog. Maybe I write a freestyle rap about you.

Whatever it is. I'll give you my best.

Peace, love, and a little sarcasm, j.d.k.