Logic vs Emotion

Being intuitive, I’ve always tried to focus on the bigger picture without letting emotions impact me. I didn’t realize it until recently, but by doing that through life I’ve numbed my emotional side to shut feelings off so I can function to move forward. I’ve always prided myself on being self-reliant and resilient. However, it’s a strange headspace to enter when you understand that what you always saw as a great strength was also hindering you.

Through experiences in life staying mentally strong enabled me to push through dark times, yet when I’ve had to access that emotional side in happier times all systems haven’t been fully operational.

And that to me is life after hurt.

It’s also curious to grasp that what may seem like an obvious hurt in one’s life isn’t necessarily the cause of the pattern. It can trace back to infancy.

I’m taking you through this thought process with the hope that one of you connects to help better understand yourself. So let’s dive in.

In general I’m mentally always analyzing things. With that comes my strong perception / intuitiveness. In a conversation when I am not upset, I generally try to understand both myself and whomever I am speaking with at the same time.

It’s purely logical and cerebral.

However, enter the hurt. A trigger is hit, alarms start going off in the head, and slowly though sometimes quickly blinders are put on, emotion takes over, and logic is no longer part of the conversation.

This is when conversations are no longer productive. For myself, it’s short lasting. I generally feel internal anxiety and a rushed desire to leave the situation/conversation to quickly gather my thoughts. It’s like a radio suddenly starts blasting music and I need to mute it so I can think.

Yet in that transition period from the loud music to silence, I really struggle with being able to communicate anything. The desire is to find the silence quickly.

This is my mechanism. Recently through introspection / therapy I’ve discovered this isn’t a new habit. I’ve done this since I was a child. Through early on in elementary school I struggled with authority and continuously had my desk facing the wall away from the other kids.

I was labeled as a problem child and no one really took the time or was able to break through to reach me. I remember being bored and daydreaming a lot. You could say I didn’t feel challenged.

I would lash out at home because when I was questioned about what was happening I would feel antagonized and misunderstood.

“Okay well why don’t you stop that?” Step one is being aware of the problem. Step two is trying different techniques to change 30 years of a habit.

Somewhere around that time as a kid I must have developed a response to turn off my emotions when I felt my feelings would be hurt.

This isn’t something I have ever reflected upon until my current relationship when the light bulb went off that sometimes I was acting similarly to when I was a kid.

I look back on the end of my last relationship, with a marriage that failed within weeks of the closest grandparent I ever had passing, and I think my subconscious shook its head and said “nope”. Emotions turned off.

I give myself credit for how I pushed forward during that time period. There are things I could have handled better, but I think all in all I was in the right headspace about what was happening.

I tried not to harbor resentment and I remember craving to feel healed. It wasn’t that I didn’t mourn the relationship, but I think I added some bricks to my emotional wall which made it easier for me to shut people out.

It’s not just shutting people out either. It’s shutting emotions off to not feel hurt. I had attended quite a few funerals of older family members when I was probably age 10.

I remember that whenever I would be in attendance during a service, I would mentally tell myself not to cry because I thought I needed to be strong. I thought showing emotion would show weakness.

More bricks.

I haven’t cared enough to notice my wall growing higher or had a partner like my fiancée so willing to chisel those bricks off until now. There have been disagreements where I’ve felt comfortable cowering beneath the wall. Because no one can affect me there.

Yet sitting alone in one’s own thoughts can be a bit maddening. And lucky for me Jen has always found me, even if I didn’t deserve it.

Through encouragement I’ve been able to see where certain patterns come from. And while I won’t be perfect instantly, I feel inspired knowing that I can positively impact my relationship and others.

Just the other day I shared some advice to a friend about a situation he was in. I put myself in his shoes and offered a possible solution. It worked for him and it validated what I'm learning.

As my wedding day moves closer and closer, I take comfort in knowing I am not perfect. There are things I have learned about myself that I can / am changing to better my relationship.

To completely break yourself down as two people in love to grow together as one…that’s powerful. And my relationship is seeing instant results as my love grows even stronger for my partner.

I encourage you to do the same and know you can always try harder. Something as simple as doing a different action in a disagreement will make it easier for you in the future. It won't be easy but it's a step.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and help out in any way if I can.

Peace, love and a little sarcasm,

j.d.k.