Phoenix Rises

I've been thinking about this post for awhile. Partly because I think I knew it was coming. Partly because I hoped it was coming. Superstition is tricky, however, so I've been hesitating. Even now as I put thoughts down I'm wondering if everything I say will jinx me.

Life is funny. It has its processes. As you know I say to trust the process. That still makes for an extraordinary adventure of curiosity as the chips fall and the puzzle pieces start to take shape. I think the best part of this is when things sneak up on you in the most serendipitous way possible.

It's a small struggle to write this because I can handle letting you into my house to stare at me. To judge me. See me in my rawest form. But bringing someone else into the equation is a new territory. I am protective of that and don't want to disrupt the situation or her.

Nearly a year ago I met someone very special that immediately gave me pause. I've been racking my brain to figure out the explanation and I don't think I'll ever have it. I knew I was intrigued by her but for some reason some part of my subconscious blocked any thoughts of me being interested in her.

When I say she gave me pause, it was because I was so interested in her story and finding out who she was, that it made me stop and I think I wanted to know more. But again, I didn't have one single romantic thought toward her.

I was coming off of a bad experience with love in a failed relationship and wasn't seeking anything new. I had ideas in my head, as 2014 begun, about where I would be in my "love life" as the year progressed. I also know you can't plan these things, and if you try it can be a disappointing space to navigate. But one thing I can tell you, as I was meeting a ton of new people during this time, I wasn't looking to date. Especially not anything serious.

I moved to a new town and was having a plethora of new experiences that was occupying a lot of my time. It was a very new and exciting period in my life.

She was part of a friend group that I was lucky enough to be welcomed into with open arms. It seemed every week I was meeting new people with new experiences from all over the country. I was having a blast. The more I saw her, the more I admired her from afar, but again, never felt anything that triggered my brain that I liked her.

As summer burnt on we started talking more frequently and eventually exchanged phone numbers. I don't know why it happened, but for some reason I called her one night and we ended up talking for 2 hours on the phone. The next night was 1 hour. And then the next was 45 minutes. Then that stopped and again, I couldn't tell you why. We kept texting every couple of days, giving each other advice on our dating lives.

I couldn't wrap my head around it. How could I have this connection with this woman I talk to so frequently, yet I didn't feel any feelings toward her that I could access? She'd slip in comments that I was an amazing catch and I was going to make someone happy. I'd pause again, thinking to myself during these moments "Is she that someone?" I remember talking to my mom about her and telling all these cute stories but that we were just friends.

As the end of year quickly approached I was going a little crazy on what was happening. Then I'd hear about dates she was going on with other guys and I started comparing myself to them in my head.

We were with a group one night and we were having a few drinks wrapped up in a deep conversation (shocking, I know). I was listening to her talking about her dating life and I blurted out that I thought we'd be great together, but I didn't want to mess it up. She paused and stared at me, not saying anything. Then I think we were distracted and the conversation dropped. I made a joke the next time I saw her that we both needed to work some things out and she should call me in March, and then we'd live happily ever after.

The holidays approached and I was hearing more about her dating stories. I was dating myself but it felt too forced. Then one day it slapped me in the face. I was jealous. I cared. And I pridefully wanted to be everything they weren't. I wanted to make her happy. I had to tell her.

I hadn't seen her in person for weeks but we kept talking about meeting up for coffee. I figured maybe I'd feel differently seeing her in person. But these plans kept falling through. Finally at a party I asked if I could talk to her alone. I needed to know if she was maybe on the same page.

She was. We were both concerned about losing the other as a friend and didn't want to disrupt our big friend group.

The rest, as they say, is history. History that continues to write itself in beautiful fashion. Our first date we had dinner and I think were at the table for 5 hours. It couldn't have been less awkward. Hours continue to dissolve around her and I'm in some kind of mental wonderment I've never experienced before. She's incredibly beautiful, inside and out, and I'm just amazed by it all. Especially with what I touched on earlier...I never had one single desire to try anything with her! Looking back, the only reason I can find is some part of myself knew she was special and wanted to protect me from doing something at the wrong time.

Time. Another tricky concept.

You're probably familiar with the story of the Phoenix. After a long life the creature dies in a fire it created only to rise again from the ashes. I can sit here and tell you that after the end of my last relationship, I thought I'd be here again. Go check past blogs, I thought I would. But a huge part of me was skeptical. I wasn't sure ever loving again was in the cards for me. I wasn't sure that was a thing that was real.

Now I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is such beauty in unbelievably trying moments of despair. Mr. Kobe Bryant said in his recent documentary that the scar from his Achilles surgery which has pretty much ended his career is beautiful, because it represents the process of a new challenge. That really hit home for me.

I have risen from the ashes of a situation that was my darkest hour. I hope to never go back to that mental and/or physical space.

Standing here now, with her by my side, I'm a believer again. Trust the process my friends. Remember, scars don't disappear but they do fade in the sun.

You see me. In everything my saddened eyes were searching for. You've turned the darkening grays into blissful blues. Without hope or agenda you supported me and accessed parts of myself I didn't think existed. You showed support when being selfish would have been easier. You've taught me to trust and love in ways I didn't dream possible. I don't know how long we have. But I think I'll stay in this moment, even if I'm dreaming, because I don't want to miss anything.

Peace, love and a little sarcasm, j.d.k.