31.

I turned 31 last month and have been wanting to share some thoughts.

Age has always been fascinating. As a kid, what did I know of time? Nothing was really valued as I wanted to hit fast forward on life. Contrary to the Toys "R" Us song I actually DID want to grow up. I thought there were bigger things for me.

When I started high school I was eying the calendar with fidgety patience until I could start driving. Then once I had my license at 16, I wanted to be 18. After that happened 21 seemed exciting. But that was the last birthday I looked forward to. I don't think that is uncommon. Since that point I've been trying to accomplish milestones / goals. I have them mapped out in my head for easily the next 10 years.

Physically, I'm older now. I've never felt my age or that things changed as much as the past year. I remember last summer I was playing full court basketball for the first time in years and I saw there was a faster/smaller player carving up other players. I knew I wanted to guard him because historically if you're going to score on me you're going to work for it. Sure enough, he crossed me over, my feet were tangled, and I fumbled backwards as he scored with ease.

"Wow," I thought to myself. "I've lost more than a step. 2-3 easy."

That being said, I put on a ton of muscle and was in the best shape of my life last summer. Then I hit a roadblock by re-injuring my back. Since that point, a little bit of the spark has died. I never used to have trouble popping out of bed in the morning...and after all these years, I've finally become a user of the snooze button.

When I workout I'm often dreading it and it's hard to pull that energy out. Recently I've reignited my routine and had helpful chiropractic/therapeutic care to improve my range of motion so I'm feeling motivated. Add to that I'm fine tuning my diet again, adding in some magical wheatgrass consumption, and my brain already feels lighter.

Aside from the spine, I see the hair thinning and know all those years of making fun of my grandpa for being bald was a poor choice in retrospect. I'm sure he's smiling from above. I just couldn't resist being a smart-ass when he used to say he was getting a haircut and I'd interject with, "You mean, hairs cut, right?". Karma is crazy.

Then there is the grey hair. It's poking out of the beard. I can't fight it anymore. But fortunately the woman I love happens to be a fan so I can work through it. She always has a strange obsession of thinking I'll look great bald. I STILL HAVE TIME. WE ALL HAVE TIME. #Hairplugs #Hairtransplant #Help #Denial.

But seriously, I was optimistic when I entered my 30's. And life often moves so damn fast, it's hard to stop to value it all. Tomorrow is never promised or guaranteed, yet it's easy to neglect relationships / things.

I really can't believe it's the end of June 2015 right now. They say it happens when you get older...but I've never had time move this fast. Simultaneously, falling head-over-heels in love has had me in this euphoric trance all year. Things are so different now.

It's interesting. How things happen. Perspective...all of it. A year ago I downed a bottle of wine to explain to all of you details of my failed marriage. It was hard to unload it but it was cathartic. I was overwhelmed and humbled with how many people seemed to enjoy reading about it.

Now. I can honestly say I'm amazed. By love. By life. By the process of rising from what you feel is the lowest low to get to higher highs.

I had conditioned myself that my last relationship was my highest high. So when it ended, there was a natural fear that I'd never have the capacity to love again. Deep down I knew I'd do great in a relationship and wanted a family. But I remember thinking when everything ended..."I know I CAN do this again...but what if I don't want to?"

It was a fair question. I don't update these as often anymore because honestly as I think I mentioned last blog...I'm cool with telling you about me but it's different when someone else is involved.

Anyhow. Back to Jennifer. I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it. And I kind of love it. I'm so convinced that I felt something for her when I met her yet my subconscious knew I wasn't ready so my emotions were blocked from pursuing anything.

I think you know that though. What you don't know is how unexplainable it is to feel the strongest love I have ever felt for someone. To know I was wrong in what I typed earlier. There is a higher high...especially when you're in a bad situation and incapable of realizing it isn't a high at all.

I'm different now. And don't be naive relationships take work. This is the hardest I've worked for anything...and it's not easy. I've never communicated so much in my life. In fact I over-communicate. We both do.

I see shortcomings in myself and try to fix them so that we can be stronger. We are both stubborn as hell which requires a lot of patience but we are in it for each other. Forever. And I'm okay with that. She's worth it.

I've never gotten so lost in someones eyes that they could see right through me and I've felt like I could burst with stupid happiness. Just pure stupid joy. Or had a physical touch send shock-waves through my body that it's like holding some crazy energy in my hand. Or had my head against her heart as it races faster, and I can picture myself emotionally inside of that...and wanted to explode together. Trippy stuff man. Trippy stuff.

I had an epiphany recently because I think I was waiting to wake up one day and think, "Damn J, you're not afraid of being hurt anymore! The fear is gone!" And that's not going to happen. I'm always going to be afraid of fear because I care. Because I can't let that go. Let her go.

I always tell her she may not realize it, and maybe has never had it, but I'll walk through a wall for her. And she'll do the same for me. It's weird to have someone have my back. That has been an adjustment too. To trust it all.

I see things. Things I've never seen. And to want things I wasn't sure I wanted. It's pretty spectacular.

I kept saying that scars don't disappear, but they do fade in the sun. Speaking for myself, the past made me who I am today. There's a sort of beauty in those scars, but I can see the process now (Make sure you trust the process friends). The ascension from dark to light is poetic. I'm grateful for that.

It's convenient for me to be a cheerleader of love right now because I have it. But understand I believe the reason I'm able to have it is because I know who I am. What I want. And I don't settle. I know happiness cannot come from someone else. Rather, it comes from within and the desire is to share that with someone else.

I had a good feeling about my 30's. And while things can always change and challenges will always exist...I'll always be all-in betting on myself. Please do the same for yourselves.

Peace, love, and a little sarcasm, j.d.k.