We haven't talked in awhile

And for that, I'm sorry. The calendar says it's December 10th, 2015. Seriously, where does time go? It may never cease to amaze me just how much can happen with time. There can be weeks of repetitive nothingness, and then BOOM: pure chaos. I'm long overdue for an update. I just checked to see and my last post was in June. How can that be? I thought it had only been a few months. But there's that time thing again, being a tricky little bugger.

The truth is, I've had so much to say but didn't know where to begin. Ironically, writing is my outlet but yet there are times where I neglect it. For bigger type concepts that I want to get out, I generally think about what I want to say, how I want to frame it, and then I walk through life pondering it. This is my process and typically things tend to write themselves long before I put fingers to keyboard. (Side note: Saying finger to keyboard is a little depressing, albeit very true).

On New Year's Eve last year I posted this:

So what's happened since? I fell in love with my best friend. In July I asked if she'd do me the honor of spending the rest of her life with me. She said yes (spoiler alert). We chatted in September about moving to Pasadena to rent a place, then we started looking at real estate, she suggested looking to see what it would cost to buy in Santa Clarita, and a month later we were leaving our Shoebox by the Sea for our Suburban Serenity. Oh, I also simultaneously switched jobs. She switched to day shift at the hospital. Then we fostered and adopted a puppy.

How's everything on your end?

It sounds a little crazy writing that down. Organized chaos has always spoken to me. I thrive off of it. We are in a place of honesty though, so I can tell you it's been an adjustment for sure. Jennifer came up with the idea to move out here, and I don't think either one of us expected it to be executed in the blink of an eye.

I feared it would be too much. I've had this battle for years wondering how I am supposed to make it living in Los Angeles. California is broke and buying property is extremely limiting unless you're in a position that I will never be in. Add to my frustration that for as much success as I have achieved, I've felt like my choices have been to: Leave CA, buy in Santa Clarita or rent. I like living life a certain kind of way and I will never be house poor where I can't enjoy the things I enjoy doing for the sake of having property in a more convenient location. Call me crazy, but it's not for me.

I can't give enough credit to Jennifer for trusting the process and joining me on this adventure. She's more social than me, and how could she not be with her magnetic personality? It's what drew me in. What I'm telling you is she took a lot of risk moving here with so many unknowns.

And I'd like to pause and focus right there for a second.

I'm not going to go back and see if I've said any of this before. But we don't have to beat around the bush. Hi everyone, I was married once. It is a distant memory from a much different life. But it happened.

I don't blog for attention. I don't tell stories so that people will coddle me / give me praise / think better of me / or even think negatively for me. My sole goal as a writer is always to have a safe place to put my thoughts. And of course, if a singular person can appreciate what I said, and maybe they take a minute to reflect on their own experience, then I've done my job. Mission accomplished, because we are now connected.

It's really easy to judge something you know nothing about. And I'm not accusing any of you of judging, but if you know me you probably know how hyper aware I am of myself. Every opinion you can muster up on me, I've probably already done. Sorry, I beat you to it.

I say this because we are in a society where it's never been easier to comment on someone else. This can be about their life choices, their relationships, their appearance, their job, or anything really. It's all on the internet, sitting there, waiting to be commented on.

Beyond all of that, I analyze myself. I continually see loving photos of families on Facebook and pardon the hashtag, but I'm like "#relationshipgoals". These are couples from all ages. I look at my parents as an example of what I aspire to be. My sister and her husband, and so many more. I'm not going to list all of you that affect me positively, but you are there.

This doesn't mean I don't treasure what I have. It means my job as a partner to Jennifer is never done. I can't let it be done. And failure isn't an option. It goes beyond simply failing, but more on what she means to me.

Where am I going with this? I'm more private now than I ever have been. I post on Facebook, but it's a lot more sparingly than it used to be. I know what I have, and most of those moments are between Jennifer and I. I think I put myself in a position to be easily judged. You know that I was married, you know that I'm divorced, and you know that I'm getting married again.

I didn't think I'd be here. I know I've said that, but in no way when my last relationship ended did I think I'd be this blessed to be here today with a woman so special to me. Sometimes I question what I deserve. I'm incredibly stubborn and have learned so much about myself by being with Jennifer. I am constantly striving to better myself and consider all angles, as it may be possible that I don't know everything. Shhh, don't tell her I said that.

Ultimately, anyone can think what they want to think. I don't need to defend my relationship or the choices that I have made. My intention here is to inspire hope.

But also to let you know what I have found. My equal.

She's strong where I am weak. She's soft where I am rough. She's thoughtful when I'm mindless. She is my balance. My partner. My best friend. She checks me when I'm out of line. We bicker to grow stronger, constantly striving to be better for each other today than we were yesterday. We don't run. We don't have agendas.

Staring into her beautiful blue eyes I feel this electricity unlike anything I've ever witnessed. The whole world is blocked out during these times.

I get to spend the rest of my life with her. I get to call her the mother of my children. I get to kiss her head at night before I go to bed and in the morning before I leave. I get to be lost in her infectious laugh never knowing a higher joy. This wouldn't be possible if it wasn't her. She changed everything. Trust.

Back in June, I had an epiphany. I was waiting during our relationship to wake up, stare at my mug in the mirror, and say "You're not afraid to lose her."

But I lost that battle and knew that if something tragic happened, I couldn't live without her knowing she was my world. So the decision to get married was made there. I am more terrified now than I have been of anything in my life.

We both work past our fears to grow stronger together. If a decision such as moving to a new city doesn't work out, we understand that the journey isn't over, just have to take another road.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know if I'm not holding her it's no tomorrow for me. I'm sorry if this comes across as sappy. It's not my intention. But then again, I'm not sorry.

My life is very different now than it ever has been. We have this dog with a horrible under-bite who is pretty much pathetic yet simultaneously adorable. His name is Beau, and we are excited to be first time parents.

I haven't had a dog in 21 years and I swear if he shits on the ottoman one more time... I'm kidding. Sort of. Shh don't tell Jennifer.

I am enjoying life so much and looking forward to everything tomorrow brings. I also try to take moments to reflect so I do not take anything for granted. But I'm blessed with a beautiful fiancee inside and out, we've made a home for our family, and then there is our BO-beau.

So much can change in a year. And if last December or the one before that or all of the ones before that you said I'd be right here? Wouldn't change a damn thing.

Peace, love and a little sarcasm,

j.d.k.